An Angry Letter Sent To Levi, Intercepted by One of Our Agents

Subject: Holy Ghosts and Talk show Hosts and assholes like you!

 
Hey, I believe this is Zoe's supposed "boyfriend" (if it's not, you can delete this right now and I apologize), well, I got news for you chump, she called me the other night and told me all about what a scared lil' boy you really are! Any guy who can't take a slap from a 110lb. girl without having to put his hands on her and restrain her or quote-unquote "pin her down" and then is so insecure that he freaks out whenever she talks to anyone else, is a punk-ass bitch not worthy of that girl! And let me tell you something else right now... if I EVER hear of you putting your hands on her again... if you harm or touch even a SINGLE HAIR on that girls head in ANY way whatever that isn't loving or kind or that has ANY disrespect in it WHATSOEVER, I WILL hunt you down, cut your balls off, and feed them to my cat, do you understand me, macho-man?!?! I don't EVER wanna hear from her that you pinned her down, touched her or put your hands on her again... and if I do, you'll regret it the rest of your sad and short life here (2012 IS coming you know... I'm ready, are you?!?)! She told me you were basically keeping her there hostage, that you ate all HER food and drank all HER booze and that you and your "friend" were basically robbing her blind, taking all her money and then wouldn't even take her home when she asked you to! She called and wanted me to come and pick her up, which is exactly what I was going to do, she even stated she wanted to get away from there SO BADLY she was ready and willing to pay a cab over $120 to take her home that night, but she never called back, presumably, because YOU either talked her out of it, or took her phone or whatever!! But let me tell you this... she says she's sick of being there with you, so if she asks you to take her home, you'd BEST comply!! Or I WILL be out there to get her and you won't like that AT ALL if I have to do that!! If she tells me she's happy there with you and those kids, etc., then that's fine... I'm more than happy to let her keep playing house with you until I, A REAL MAN, a man who can take a slap (or even two!), can get my own life together enough to make things right between us and take care of her. But let me tell you one other thing - I have been thru hell and back with that girl, I've been thru ups and downs and loop-de-loop's over and over again... and I keep coming back... and I ALWAYS WILL! ...Do you know why?? Because I love that girl more than YOU COULD EVER or could even POSSIBLY understand, because you're selfish and afraid and I highly doubt you even know what it IS to TRULY love someone!! FIRST, you have to LET THEM GO to see if they come back asshole, not keep them from going home in first place... let me tell you something else - we've been thru some REALLY HORRIBLE DOWNS and on SEVERAL occasions I had to go thru and deal with her kicking me out of her life for one reason or another... But she always, ALWAYS, CAME BACK!! And she always will... I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!! And I never will because she and I have something that you and her could never even dream of possessing... faith and belief in each other and a connection that is truly rare and special. She and I were best friends and lovers and when she calls and tells me the shit she told me the other night?- You just don't get it do you... you're a rebound! Something to pass the time with, because she's a fragile and lonely little girl with abandonment issues and she's scared of being alone! Whether or not I can forgive her for this or not is ultimately something that "I", MYSELF, will have to decide and whether or not I even WILL is still very much up in the air, But I'm here and I always WILL be here... so if you want her in YOUR life... you'd better get used to me being around, because I'm not going anywhere! And if my brother ever tells me you called my house over and over and over again, again... I'll have you drug out into the street and wrap you in your own piss-soaked sheets, you got me douschebag!? She doesn't love you, she never will... if she did, she wouldn't have said all the lovely things to me she said when I called her for 1st time in weeks before OR any the things she said to me the other night!! You're in for a very rude awakening pal... I promise you that. But if she's truly happy there with you, more power to her! I'll support her decisions like I always have - cuz her happiness is all I've ever wanted... I just KNOW and FEEL and know what I've been told by her, so one day if you and I meet, we'll see what a man you really are, until then, don't EVER touch her again or you WILL be sorry, dig?! Deceive, Inveigle and Obfuscate - Augustine